So Bad its Badass: Lone Wolf McQuade (Part 2)

See Part 1 here.

When we last left off, McQuade had left 3 extremely disposable people to go after Falcone. But first, he stops by his house to find the love interest Lola waiting for him with plenty of belligerent sexual tension on tap as she has started to clean up his absolute mess of a house since it looks like the start of an episode of Hoarders. After an insensitive remark, she tries to leave but he stops her and they have a sex scene in the mud outside his house.

No part of this is pleasant to contemplate.

After this, he forces his way into Falcone's domain and the two have a showdown at last. A bizarre, utterly confusing showdown as we see that the head of all organized crime south of the border is a midget in a wheelchair. The movie plays this completely serious and the two of them have a Holmes\Moriarty relationship.

They've faced each other in a battle of wits before.

He tells McQuade that Wilkes is the one running guns but he won't give him the information on where he is because he'd never betray a former business partner. Falcone swears that he's a third party in the whole endeavor and that he's only there to "watch the game". McQuade tells him that it may be a game to him, but if he finds out Falcone is involved he'll "have your little ass". 

Oh god, he's intrigued

Falcone disappears through a revolving door disguised as a wall and mockingly tells McQuade through a set of speakers that the informant Snow won't live through the night, before bursting into evil laughter, causing the audience to question their very sanity since the movie has treated all this with unbelievable sincerity. 

David Lynch wishes he could make things this weird.

McQuade tries to rush back to Dakota's place in his turbine powered Super Truck but he's too late, as Wilkes and his men arrive first. They severely wound Dakota with automatic gunfire while only pinning down Kayo in the kitchen. Wilkes finishes him off with by snapping his neck with his foot without even putting out his cigarette and has Snow gunned down. McQuade arrives hours later and tries to comfort a distraught Kayo.

"I'm pretty sure he didn't suffer"

McQuade heads back to the office where he finds out he's under Federal Indictment for his reckless lone wolf behavior and is put on paid probation. He returns home and has some quality time with Lola. Later that evening as he's in bed with Lola, Wilkes stops by to kill his dog before spraying down his house with automatic gunfire. So to recap at this point he has to avenge his daughter being attacked, his mentor killed and his dog being shot, all while on suspension for being a loose cannon lone wolf. Wilkes is really pushing it right now.

McQuade is met at his house by a black federal agent named Jackson who wants McQuades help against Wilkes. McQuade questions why he's not an utterly useless dickhead like the agent who indicted him and Jackson tells him that he knows what he's doing and is "not the token nigger around here".

Pictured: The only black man in the entire movie.

They fly around in his aircraft on aerial recon and find Wilke's large military airfield that he has in no way attempted to camouflage, probably under the assumption that nobody would dare fuck with David Carradine. McQuade and Jackson fly back and set out for the airfield with a bunch of federal agents under Agent Burnside, who rides McQuade's back and generally acts like an incompetent, bureaucratic dickhead. 

You can smell this guy's death coming

They do a quick recon of the field and bring their vehicles forward under the cover of night. Wilkes has an incredibly large operation with a military airfield, hundreds of men and his own cargo aircraft flying guns out to all the worlds terrorists.  McQuade has a bad feeling about it though, as he says that its all been too easy so far.

"You call that easy?!"

Burnside is running out of patience after having been repeatedly held back and despite McQuade trying to stop him, marches out with his men to order the entire crime syndicate military base to surrender on his bullhorn. 

The "Yell at people with a bullhorn" plan is oh for two so far in this movie

Burnside and his men are shot dead within seconds while McQuade, Jackson and Kayo are all repeatedly injured by gunfire. McQuade orders them out while he holds off the workers. He kills many of them before being dragged down by severe injuries and sheer numbers. Wilkes lands in his helicopter with Lola and starts repeatedly roundhousing the captive McQuade but Lola begs him to not do it this way so Wilkes has him buried alive in his Super Dodge Ram twenty feet below the ground as McQuade passes out from his severe injuries.  

So far he's doing better than any other Chuck Norris villain and that includes Satan.

The bad guys make two critical mistakes: They didn't take his beer and left him his keys. Kayo tries to rescue him but gets in a losing gun battle. Below the earth, McQuade heals himself by drinking from a six pack  he had in the truck like an alcoholic Popeye and pouring it in his wounds like it was the water from the Holy Grail. 

"Is...is that Pabst?"

He then puts the keys in the ignition and starts the vehicle, activating the turbocharger with SFX that implies that it was built for the MIB using advanced alien technology. Above ground they witness the ground crack open to reveal his flashing lights and siren as a heavenly choir sings over a triumphant musical score as his truck rises from its would be tomb, running down several men who were trying to kill Kayo, before McQuade guns them down with a sawed off shotgun. He then collapses on his truck and has a beer with Kayo and the inexplicably alive Jackson.

"Man we really fucked that one up"

With everyone at the airfield apparently dead or having left, the movie cuts to McQuade having a reprise of his earlier training session but too injured to complete it. After remembering the death of his dog, mentor and scumbag witness, he round houses a shed on his property to pieces. Falcone shows up at McQuade's exes house to tell him that Wilkes has taken his daughter as an "invitation". So that means that so far, Wilkes has put his daughter in the hospital, killed his mentor, killed his dog, tried to kill his truck and kidnapped his daughter. The man clearly has no concern for his own safety at this point.

"Oh god honey, the Dwarf is back"

McQuade heads down to Mexico but tells the others to stay behind. He stops for gas as villagers worship the the ground he's walking on, and it turns out that Jackson has beaten him down to Mexico with a truck full of ordinance as Kayo arrives from tailing McQuade. He grudgingly accepts their help and they hobble off to infiltrate Wilkes base. I do mean hobble since they all sustained life threatening injuries less than a day ago but were healed by the power of Beer.  They split up as they approach the base and McQuade infiltrates it while Jackson snipes guys with a crossbow.

"Aargh, this arrow in my side is instantly killing me, preventing me from shouting a warning"

McQuade finds his daughter with Lola (who he forgives easily) and starts to escort them out when he's discovered by a guard and alerts the whole base by shooting a guy in the face with his shotgun. This is when things go apeshit with guys streaming out of every door like it was Call of Duty 4 as our heroes absolutely ruin their shit with automatic weapons and copious amounts of explosives.

"There's Janeway, too. That's also Janeway. That's also Janeway!"

Kayo flubs it by letting the guy who kicked his ass earlier walk right up to him as he's reloading and kick him in the face. The guy asks if Kayo remembers him as he goes for his gun but Kayo is faster and shoots him dead before uttering probably the worst attempt at a one liner ever: "I never forget an asshole." Congrats Kayo, you have cemented yourself as someone who could pick an asshole out of a police lineup.

No..I just...no I'm so sorry

 Wilkes hops in a half track and starts spraying them with fire from an M60, hitting McQuade's daughter in the leg while pinning McQuade and Lola down.

"God I love this job"

Kayo keeps firing his infinite ammo LAW at henchmen while Jackson gets raked by gunfire. He has a "oh not again" reaction to being shot, as the bullets probably bounced off ones from earlier gunfights. He throws some grenades at guys who decided to one up video game enemies by hiding behind crates of explosives that are stacked in front of a couple tankers full of fuel.

"I REGRET NOTHIIINNNNGGGG!"

Wilkes continues to fire his M60 at McQuade as he hops in a bulldozer, starts it up and slowly drives at the halftrack Wilkes is firing from. Wilkes takes this as an obvious challenge and abandons the MG to hop into the drivers seat to start an incredibly slow game of chicken. The two collide but the bulldozer has way more oomph and it pushes the halftrack back until it crashes into a house. Wilkes gets out and in an unspoken agreement, he and McQuade put down their weapons for the fight that Wilkes has wanted for so long.

"I'm David Motherfucking Carradine"

At this point, I have to tell you that I have nothing that can contribute to how awesome this fight is. Its David Carradine and Chuck Norris actually beating the crap out of each other to an amazing Spaghetti Western soundtrack in fight choreography originally designed for a Chuck Norris \ Bruce Lee rematch. Chuck Norris for once is the underdog in a fight and its epic. Its the ultimate showdown of Kung Fu and Kickboxing. They put it on the movie poster it was so great.

Note: That's a nuclear detonation.

So while I can't do it justice, I can tell you that during the fight, McQuade's daughter gets punched in the face in Slow-Mo which gives McQuade the extra push to kick his ass. Wilkes gets laid out but manages to get an SMG which he uses to accidentally kill Lola. As she's dying, she tells him that Wilkes killed her husband and forced her to work with him. So as a final recap: Wilkes has put his daughter in the hospital, killed his mentor, killed his dog, tried to kill his truck, kidnapped his daughter, shot his daughter, punched the daughter in the face and killed the love interest. Its basically assisted suicide at this point as McQuade dodges SMG fire to throw a grenade at Wilkes who is shooting from inside a warehouse full of explosives.

Oh yeah, he's dead alright.

Falcone then shows up in a helicopter to harangue McQuade for "breaking their deal" of Falcone telling him where Wilkes was in exchange for him getting all the weapons. McQuade tells him that he merely assumed that there was an agreement before stealing his helicopter and leaving him for the Federales. Point to McQuade in this battle of wits.

And then they dropped him in a chimney in retribution for Tracy's death.

The movie ends with McQuade being given a commendation and him going to go see his ex-wife and daughter's new house. Before they can leave though, Kayo rolls up with his sirens on and tells McQuade there's a bank robbery gone bad in progress with the robbers having taken hostages. McQuade ditches his family to go kill more criminals and his wife commenting that he'll never change.

And then he was assumed into heaven.