It Came From Netflix: SWAT Firefight Pt 2

When we last left off, the city of Detroit was being menaced by a complete lunatic who brought nothing but ruin to everyone who crosses his path. And then he made an enemy of Robert Patrick's character who has declared a vendetta against him. After the...*sigh*...Google Earth conversation, the captain hands him a ticket home for the next day. This is either incredibly cliche and unlikely screenwriting or the captain had a ticket home already prepared for Omega Douche and was simply waiting for the first opportunity to use it. I would like to think the latter scenario is the canon one.

"My feelings are hurt Captain!"

Omega Douche will have none of that though! As they pull the 3lbs of C4 from his car, he swears that nothing is going to stop him from doing his job as a SWAT officer as he only cares for the publics well being! Its not like someone who could get 3lbs of C4 on short notice and hack his records to lead you into a trap could be even remotely a threat to you! The captain for whatever reason backs off. After a filler scene where they try to explain that Walter is a "high functioning bipolar, borderline personality" while showing a scene of Walter smoking and reading in a simultaneously dimly lit yet impossibly bright room in slow motion while a cheap knock off of 'Mind Heist' plays.

Syndicate called, they want you to tone down the bloom a bit

After a filler scene where literally nothing happens, they get called up to deal with a hostage situation. Robbers armed with automatic weapons had stormed in, shooting a man who didn't open up the safe for them and the police arrived soon after that. So now they have barricaded themselves inside with a dozen hostages and are threatening to kill them if their demands are not met. The place they robbed? A convenience store. The mastermind behind this well thought out plan? Tony Yayo.

"I want a Cubic Zirconia covered Skull or I kill all the hostages!"

The first movie started with an escalated version of the North Hollywood shootout, this movie has Tony Yayo knocking over a liquor store. We get to see more of ODs amazing negotiating skills in action as Tony Yayo demands $50k and a moderately priced car in exchange for the hostages. Not missing a beat, OD says that the car is going to take a while, so Yayo and his crew should drink a whole bunch of beer. After a pause, Tony Yayo replies with "Are you trying to make fun of me asshole?". Well OD, you just lost a battle of wits to Tony Yayo.

"Man, I am terrible at this"

Charlie team arrives with an incredibly and inexplicably submissive Kellogg who gets tasked with catching the hostage that Yayo is willing to release. A hostage tries to make a break for it and rather than trying to defuse the situation, OD basically writes them off and orders a full dynamic entry through the rear of the store. But suddenly, they lose their direct phone connection as the landline phone inside the store starts ringing.

"Amal?"

Yaio answers and its Walter telling him to exit out the back of the store to get his car. Yayo tells him to bring the car out front and Walter yells back "WELL THEN BLOW THE BITCHES BRAINS OUT" and hangs up. Yayo drags the woman to the front of the store and threatens to shoot her before throwing her to the ground and opening fire at the ceiling. OD tells Lori to take the shot and she shoots him in the head.

Psh, Fiddy does this all the time to him and he's fine

The team that was stacked at the door enters through the back and in an amazing example of how weak the movies flashbangs are, all this does is actually get their attention.

"Holy shit I didn't know you were even here till you did that"

They swing around to face the SWAT officers as they pile in and the biggest gun battle of the movie begins inside the convenience store.

Catered to the people who watched the opening car chase from Quantum of Solace and said "Man, I can see too much of what's going on!"

The SWAT officers take cover behind some chest high Scott Toilet Paper, bottles of water, and Ziploc bags. Seeing them get into cover, one of the gang members roadie runs behind a chest high stack of Charmin toilet paper while his compatriot charges from his chest high cover of Bud Light at the officers while firing a shotgun. This movie just turned into Gears of Store.

Only with a camera that fucking hates you

While the man with the assault rifle pins down the team, the shotgun toting gang member rushes at them, firing wildly but luckily Scott Toilet Paper is bulletproof! He dies in a hail of inaccurate bullets continually drawing pistols to no avail.

No seriously, the movie has them take cover behind TP and it stops bullets. 

Meanwhile, the man with the AK has run out of ammunition and decides to charge in with his pistol but he too is soon gunned down by wildly firing SWAT officers. With all the gangsters dead, they declare an all clear. The movie then immediately jumps to them outside fist bumping while heavy metal guitars play then they all pose as a team while walking away in slow motion.

Poses as a team because shit just got real!

Back at the station, they determined that Walter hacked into their direct connections and overrode the phone line into the store being cut. OD demands all the footage from every camera in ten blocks (!) but the tech tells him they already checked that (!!) and he doesn't appear anywhere on them and that he's "a ghost'. The movie then cuts to OD on the firing range where he gets a call from Walter who is at a different firing range who taunts him that "First you let a hostage die, then you break into the wrong house, now you kill a man who was trying to give up"

"Jokes on you Walter, I was already going to kill a man who was trying to give up!"

This begins probably one of the weirdest moments in the film. OD tries to bullshit Walter about tracing his explosives but Walter calls him on it and says that he's "lost my trust and that's the biggest mistake a negotiator can make". OD responds to this by angrily yelling that he's he's going to shoot Walter in the face and fires at his target. Walter basically plays mind games with him, calling him on how terrible he is at being a negotiator.

"Also holy shit, I am actually properly blocked and in focus!"

While doing so, he's firing his fifty cal while taunting him that he can kill him at any time from a mile away. This actually works thanks to a tiny ray of decent writing and the acting chops of a probably short on cash Robert Patrick. But then in response, OD yells "COME AND GET ME WALTER" before opening fire on his target. The movie then rapidly cuts between them firing at their targets while still on the phone with each other before they run dry. OD then does this perplexing little "fuck yeah" move when he's done accompanied by a triumphant musical sting. No movie, don't try to say that Gabriel Macht beat Robert Patrick in a verbal battle, nobody is going to buy that shit.

"No seriously, why does the rest of the movie not look like this? Its like the movie put its contacts in"

The movie cuts to OD leaving his house an unknown amount of time later and sees two figures in suits behind him and obviously spooked by the amazing Robert Patrick, he whirls around and points his pistol at their faces while yelling "Don't Move!". Oh yeah, he's really not letting Walter get to him at all!

And we're back in Blurry Town

They cut to the station where they explain that they're from the State Department and that Walter is an "asset". They say they're trying to find him because they have work for him to do and OD says that's going to be impossible as Walter is a ghost. So in walks Walter with a dozen roses for the love interest and OD loses his shit and charges down the hall to punch him in the face. The other officers restrain him while Walter says that he's going to be pressing assault charges.

"LET ME SEE YOUR TROLL FACE!"

The Feds take him away while the Captain tells OD he has one day to get SWAT certified and then he's going to be kicked out of Detroit. After a bit of scenery chewing by Macht about how Walter is still a threat to the love interest we cut back to Walter and the Feds. Apparently his relationship with Rose was keeping him from being a full blown psycho killer, so the Feds naturally intervened and were in fact the reason that she was scared of him. So Walter executes the two of them and leaves that plot cul-de-sac behind.

"Want some of this delicious filler?"

While OD is at the scene of the murder the next day, Walter kills the man that OD had guarding the love interest and writes "I have her" on the door in her blood. Back at the station, they find that despite there being a live satellite  feed watching him specifically, Walter managed to escape undetected. Though given the fact that they've obviously just gray scaled the Google Earth coverage of Detroit, that's not exactly hard.

A better lead would be taking that camera crew hiding behind him in for questioning

OD gets kicked off the team by the Captain and the team gets a sudden call up asking for them specifically, saying there is a jumper that needs to be rescued. They arrive and find that there are no first responders, witnesses or just plain anyone at the scene.  They shrug this off and after leaving one guy in the van for no reason, they all split up and enter the spooky abandoned warehouse. They even ignore the fact that when they call in asking where the backup is, dispatch tells them there was no call from that location. Shaggy and Scooby would be yelling "ITS A TRAP YOU FUCKING MORONS" at this point.

Pictured: Natural fucking selection

Waters is Tasered by the fake jumper and thrown off the roof, knocking him unconscious. Lori is strangled and sedated by Walter after a brief fight. A man the movie informs me before his death is Stockton, hits the most improbably placed claymore that was at the specific point on a railing he was climbing and is killed in the explosion. Murphy is killed by the gang capturing him and shooting him to death with shotguns.

Sorry, that last one was RoboCop.

OD gets a call from Walter saying that he has the love interest and his team captive. He tells OD that he will start killing them in 30 minutes and that he'll be waiting at the abandoned projects. OD stops by the police station to steal some weapons but is confronted by Kellogg. He lets OD take weapons from the armory and tells him he's going with him to stop Walter. OD tells him that he has to do this alone because he doesn't want Kellogg to get in trouble at the job he tried to fire him from as he takes a duffel bag full of weapons and Kellogg's cruiser. He arrives at the projects to see Waters has been crucified.

"Contemplate this on the flagpole of woe: Crucify him!"

He cuts him down and we see that Waters has a badly broken leg. He gives him an assault rifle and loads up to go after Walter but is interrupted by Walters minion who opens fire on them. The minion has specific orders not to kill OD , who rushes towards him firing and runs dry. Rather than say quickly reloading, he throws his rifle down and grabs an MP5 as Waters tries to hobble assault the minion. Having no orders to keep him alive, he is quickly killed to absolutely zero reaction by OD.

He died as he lived: Blurry and uninteresting

OD manages to close with the man who is literally not allowed to kill him but they both run dry. They get in a reloading battle that OD wins and he guns the minion down with a couple rounds. Naturally, he then proceeds to unload the entire magazine into his dead body and in a probably deleted scene, tea bag him before calling him racial epitaphs like any other twelve year old on Xbox Live.

"SHITCOCKING JEW NEGRO FUCKER CUNT!"

Walter then calls him up on a magical video walkie talkie to mock him for wasting his ammunition. Its pretty bad scriptwriting when the kill crazy lunatic is more likeable and professional than your hero. Regardless, he informs us that there is a bomb on Lori and the love interest. He rushes up to save Lori and defuses the bomb on her in a scene so cliche it has to be copy and pasted straight out of the screenwriters handbook right down to the one second left on the timer.

To say nothing of "I'm an Iraq war combat veteran sniper but I break down crying and have to be saved by a man!"

He confronts Walter several floors up and finds that Walter has a bomb attached to the love interest with both a timer and a dead man switch. Walter puts a gun to his own head and tells OD that his only chance to try to save the love interest is to talk him down using his negotiating skills. So OD charges him.

"You are absolutely terrible at this, I really hope you know that."

The weapon misfires and OD manages to get a zip tie on the deadman switch, preventing it from detonating the bomb. The wrestle around and OD gets the upper hand, punching Walter repeatedly while he lays helpless on the ground before they throw the bomb in his face as they push him out a window and detonate it, taking out the entire floor. Walters flaming carcass impacts 15 stories below.

And our brave hero roasts the old man he had easily subdued in a fist fight alive

The next day they wheel Waters dead body away and the Captain offers OD a job. Your first reaction should of course be "SAY WHAT?" but he tells the Captain he's not interested in staying in Detroit. He suggests putting Kellogg back on Alpha Team in an attempt to excise that particular plot tumor. The Captain then asks what about their HRT Certification and OD says that after everything that happened "just consider them certified". WHAT? No, I'm sorry. You don't get pity certifications for something as serious as Hostage Rescue. There has been officially no point to anything since his retarded "training" idea of switching snipers resulted in a situation that got a dozen people killed! He refused to be transferred away because he needed to get this training done! The entire thing officially has no point since he's just going to give them certification without any kind of test! How are they supposed to know what to do in a hostage situation?! What is this, The Wizard of Oz?

"Modernized hostage rescue techniques were in you all along Team Alpha! But seriously, that douche can eat a dick"